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Understanding your mismatched libidos

Yes, it turns out the most common cause behind couples’ bedroom blues is a simple mismatch in libidos (that is, when one of you is gagging for it and the other could just take it or leave it).

Now that you know who’s the enemy that was lurking in the shadows of your subconscious and putting your sexual bliss in danger, it’s time you found out how exactly you can put these differences to work to your advantage.

Because a desire gap within your couple is not the end of the world. Even though you feel like your partner is often not there for the ride and vice versa, now that you’re aware that the responsible for this situation is your own mismatched libidos, you can work to balance things out.

Perfect sexual compatibility is rare and probably only occurs in romance novels,” says Dr. Rosie King, sex therapist and author of “Where Did My Libido Go?”. “Most couples have well matched sex drives at the beginning of their relationships when there’s a lot of passion and romance. Once this part ends- usually after 12 to18 months- a difference in sexual desires, known as desire discrepancy, commonly emerges.” (26)

The reason for this gap is simple- we all have different base levels of desire, as you’ve learned from the description of libido types, so it’s extremely unlikely that we hit the jackpot and find a partner with sexual appetites identical to our own.

In addition, our sex drives are constantly fluctuating. On a good day, when things are running smoothly and you’re getting along with your lover, your sex drive will be maximized. On a bad day, when you’re stressed, your boss lectured you about delaying the project and you’ve had a tiff with your partner, your sex drive will fall. A mismatch in these urges is not a sexual dysfunction, it is an inevitability.

But don’t think that this very common problem means the death knell for your romance. The key to getting yours, or hers, sex drive revving again might be as simple as not expecting a mind-blowing orgasmic full-on penetrative sex every single time- and to work together without blame to overcome any issues.

The key to preventing relationship distress when your sex drives differ is to recognize that you’re both suffering and missing out on pleasurable sex. Thus you need to stop blaming each other and work together to solve the problem, rather than arguing.

      

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